To Kill Hope.

I am Done.
Searching has proven to be a complete waste of my time and my energy.
I need to stop moping over dead dreams and focus on finding a new something that gives my life purpose and meaning.
Sadly saying that I killed hope is a lie I still hope that my dreams will magically come true.
Pathetic.I am a slave to hope. I wish I wasn't
I wish I could let the bad things slide instead of having them stab me by surprise.
I wish hope would vanish.
With out hope my daydreams would be gone, my work would be more productive and I wouldn't feel like a leaky faucet when the illusions gave way to reality.
I wish deeply that hope were really DEAD.
I always try to force myself not to let hope even a little in, cause once he does I know I am lost.
I use to believe hope was good, the little spark the tiny illusion that things might go my way kept me alive.
But reality always came back and every time the blow was harder, crueler colder. I just can't take another one of Hope's jokes...
Hope is the last thing to die because it is the cruelest torturing device out there.

I Am Suffereing From A Horrible Condition

Dear reader: Like most of humanities problems, mine began with a man.
An Innocent flirtation, some eye contact, a sweet smile, brown sweet eyes
But lately things have spiraled out of control
I've been experiencing a series of symptoms that I really cannot understand.
I am afraid my condition might be more serious then I had originally anticipated
See at moments I get really happy,
so happy that I feel as if the world is nothing but a big caramel apple.
At other times I feel the earth is soft like a clouded field.
And the happier I get  is directly proportional to how close to me he is.
At moments I feel my heart racing as if at any moment it might jump out of my chest
I can hear it beating so loudly that I can't help and wonder if others around me can hear it too.
I've had sleepless nights just thinking about....him, me,  us?
And when I do manage to sleep I have these ridiculous dreams,
with castles, swords and knights, and about a king whose face I seem to know.
Ridiculous child like dreams
I find myself laughing at situations that have more a tragic flare than a comical one.
I am rendered speechless, when he stands
My hands shake and  my voice quivers.
Smiles are plastered in my face.
But its not these moments which causes panic in me.
The moments I fear are those when my happy moments turn to longing.
Sadness creeps up on me.
The moment he leave,
The moments when all I can do is wonder and hope.
Hope might be the last thing to die but it is such a sneaky enemy.
With no hope, my life could go on, my chores would get done.
But hope awakens feelings,
I find myself scribbling his name, daydreaming of future days
hoping, longing.

I know dear reader what you are concluding. I myself have considered the possibility.
But its to disturbing to accept.
I do not wish to Fall in to that,
I'd rather fall in to a thorny bush,
or in to a well.
I'd rather be pushed down a 60 story building
I'd prefer to fall inside a boiling volcano.

Anything but that,
The idea of heartache is to horrific
Could my heart survive another repair?
But damn this hope, Could he be the one that doesn't break it?

See dear reader I am awfully disturbed,
my condition is quite serious,
any advice for a poor sick girl?