2012 Ending or Beginning?

So This may or may not be the last year of existence. Rumor has it 2012 is the mark of the end of the world.
I don't really believe it, but well who knows. All I can say is that if I am suppose to die this year I am not even close to achieving all my life goals. 
The idea that the world might end is to depressing mostly because well I never made a contribution to the world. I simply drifted by.
Fortunately I have an amazingly positive brother who doesn't let me fall in to depression despite my life's pathetic lows. My wise little brother calls this upcoming 2012 the year of Realities (having named 2011 as the year of Hope) according to him this is going to be the year of taking action, obtaining control over our lives and achieving incredible things. It doesn't matter if the world is going to keep on going or if it will vanish in to thin air. All that matters is the now, take action turn hopes and dreams in to realities.
So is 2012 Ending or Beginning ? Who cares! I am working on making Realities this year.

To Kill Hope.

I am Done.
Searching has proven to be a complete waste of my time and my energy.
I need to stop moping over dead dreams and focus on finding a new something that gives my life purpose and meaning.
Sadly saying that I killed hope is a lie I still hope that my dreams will magically come true.
Pathetic.I am a slave to hope. I wish I wasn't
I wish I could let the bad things slide instead of having them stab me by surprise.
I wish hope would vanish.
With out hope my daydreams would be gone, my work would be more productive and I wouldn't feel like a leaky faucet when the illusions gave way to reality.
I wish deeply that hope were really DEAD.
I always try to force myself not to let hope even a little in, cause once he does I know I am lost.
I use to believe hope was good, the little spark the tiny illusion that things might go my way kept me alive.
But reality always came back and every time the blow was harder, crueler colder. I just can't take another one of Hope's jokes...
Hope is the last thing to die because it is the cruelest torturing device out there.

I Am Suffereing From A Horrible Condition

Dear reader: Like most of humanities problems, mine began with a man.
An Innocent flirtation, some eye contact, a sweet smile, brown sweet eyes
But lately things have spiraled out of control
I've been experiencing a series of symptoms that I really cannot understand.
I am afraid my condition might be more serious then I had originally anticipated
See at moments I get really happy,
so happy that I feel as if the world is nothing but a big caramel apple.
At other times I feel the earth is soft like a clouded field.
And the happier I get  is directly proportional to how close to me he is.
At moments I feel my heart racing as if at any moment it might jump out of my chest
I can hear it beating so loudly that I can't help and wonder if others around me can hear it too.
I've had sleepless nights just thinking about....him, me,  us?
And when I do manage to sleep I have these ridiculous dreams,
with castles, swords and knights, and about a king whose face I seem to know.
Ridiculous child like dreams
I find myself laughing at situations that have more a tragic flare than a comical one.
I am rendered speechless, when he stands
My hands shake and  my voice quivers.
Smiles are plastered in my face.
But its not these moments which causes panic in me.
The moments I fear are those when my happy moments turn to longing.
Sadness creeps up on me.
The moment he leave,
The moments when all I can do is wonder and hope.
Hope might be the last thing to die but it is such a sneaky enemy.
With no hope, my life could go on, my chores would get done.
But hope awakens feelings,
I find myself scribbling his name, daydreaming of future days
hoping, longing.

I know dear reader what you are concluding. I myself have considered the possibility.
But its to disturbing to accept.
I do not wish to Fall in to that,
I'd rather fall in to a thorny bush,
or in to a well.
I'd rather be pushed down a 60 story building
I'd prefer to fall inside a boiling volcano.

Anything but that,
The idea of heartache is to horrific
Could my heart survive another repair?
But damn this hope, Could he be the one that doesn't break it?

See dear reader I am awfully disturbed,
my condition is quite serious,
any advice for a poor sick girl?

November

So a couple of years back a friend of mine was completely freaking out about turning 25 and I could not understand what all the drama was about. Being a naive 21 year old I could not imagine why having a great big birthday party would be scary.

"Its like I am going to reach half my life" he said trying to explain the situation to me.

It didn't work.
l I still didn't get it.

That is till last November when I turned 23.
The moment I turned 23 was awful. I didn't physically feel any different and nothing monumental happened.
Everything stayed exactly the same. And that was the problem. My life isn't going anywhere important
I turn on the news and they have 23 year old boy saves a friends life, 21 girl start a foundation blah blah blah and not just strangers I don't know, my own friends are going places. Getting cool jobs, getting married, traveling. fulfilling their dreams.

But not me. This November I am going to be turning 24 and I still haven't had the guts to do something!!! Anything!!!

Its not as easy to look at life as it was when i was younger but complaining about it has taken me absolutely no where.

I feel that all humans have is memory:  to live through for generation from accomplishing something amazing is probably the greatest honor of all.

So that's what this is all about finding that one special thing that will set me apart and help me be remembered when i die.


To be honest I don't know what or how yet. But I have decided to do something worth immortalizing before I turn 25 so that means I have 1yr and 1 month...

I Broke My Ipod Today

I broke my Ipod today. It's screen got smashed in to a million tiny little crystals with no shape. In to million pieces that make no sense and don't work anymore. I saw my life reflected on those little crystals. My sad pathetic existence.

Once my life held promise, I had a future, hopes, dreams, plans. But little by little all those illusions have slowly died, I've stopped living in a world of bliss delusion and have awaken to see reality. The fucking world which I've managed to create for myself by making every wrong decision, every mistake there is I've made it. Believing I could ever be an author when I don't even have the guts to send anything is incomprehensible. How I believed in true love despite the evidence of its nonexistence is just stupidity. Or maybe its not stupid believing in true love, what's truly idiotic is believing I  would ever find it. I hate every second of my life and I don't know how to fix it.

The Ipod got smashed in to a millions bits and it was a metaphor for my life. No real job (Working for mommy does not count). No success on any interview, I used to believe after college people would beg me for work, how childish of me to assume such a thing. Just like that Ipod I am useless now. No job, no money nothing.

Most of my friends have jobs, good paying, fun jobs. Jobs that include vacations, bonuses, experience. Me? I am stuck working a 50 hour job and getting payed for 30. Working in a job that doesn't inspire me. A job I truly detest in a job that is my family's lively hood a job I am suppose to love and all I do is hate. I am stuck in a job that feels wrong in every possible way.

Most of my friends decided to further their education, I made a mistake giving up that dream, I thought I didn't need it. Maybe I should have continued maybe that was the key out of this dump that is my life. But I am not good at school. I used to believe I was but I am not. I am never going to write the next American novel, I am not good at anything. I am a mediocre being. I do nothing special and I never will.  I am a smashed Ipod, million little pieces. hundreds of tiny crystals make me a blurr.

I thought about deleting this blog, whats the point of writing my patheticness in it. But with out this outlet I don't know what I'd do.
I can't exsacly tell my family how I feel, it be sick and twisted to torture them like that. I can't tell my friends because I couldn't stand the pity stares. So who else can I confide in if not a bunch of strangers on the Internet. 

In Love

Some one asked me a few nights back if I'd ever been inlove.

The question made me all kinds of uncommfortable.
My first reaction wanted to scream that obviously I'd been in love before.
But then a small voice in the back of my head whispered "have you?"

I began trying to define what being in love would entail. I'd had a boyfriend who sent flowers, reminded me of how pretty I was and hugged and kissed me as often as we could. Was that love?

Just Answer Me

All I want out of life is to be able to read signs.

I believe that the universe, everything sends us signs on what would make our life perfect. And because we aren't always ready able or willing to read the signs our lives tend to go wild, crazy and chaotic. If we all just payed attention and followed the path I am positive our lives would be much more fulfilling.

But what do we do when the universe sends us mixed signals? What if I am to confused to understand them? What then?

I mean what if a pair of eyes says something, but the actions do another? What if a hug feels cozy but at the same time feels wrong? What if the signs point in a complete opposite direction than the stuff I want? What about all the stuff that I thought meant something but seem to have been only  coincidences?

How am I suppose to know any of it?

Follow the yellow brick road. Follow the signs. Listen to your guide.

But why does the universe have to be so freakin metaphorical, intriguing?  How hard is it to say this or that? Why does the line seem to get blurrier by the second?

The thing is I know that what one wants and what the universe says don't always go hand in hand. I don't want to chase what I want if in the en d it wont make me happy. But I don't want to have gotten what the universe wanted me to have and always wonder if what I wanted could have made me happy.

EASY

Just follow the Yellow Brick Road.

But which path do you choose when all of them are made of yellow bricks?

I still can't get used to it.

I am perfectly aware that change is part of life.

The world is in constant change, the season's shift dramatically, cold, hot, windy, snow, hail, sunny, rain, everything changes. Waves are in constant movement. Even ones own hairstyle isn't always the same. Babies grow, trees flourish, ponds dry, boys change girls and viceversa.

Earthquakes change our world's axis, Pluto stops being a planet, and even Cats learn to bark.

Even though I am aware of the consistency that change is, and how its such a big part of life, it still always manages to shock me. It stresses me when I have to change cities, or when I need to switch jobs. Change is always so traumatic. Good change or bad change it always manages to shake me in ways I don't like to be shaken.

The latest change I am having to face was something I truly did not expect. Never in a million years could I even begin to imagine a situation like this  (and I have a truly bizarre imagination, I've even imagined myself being taken hostage by aquatic vampires wearing pink fluffy slippers) It all happened so out of the blue, and then what I thought was happening wasn't and suddenly I am in this place that I feel good about but at the same time feel like its drowning me. I feel like quicksand has me and all I can do now is wait till I've been swallowed whole.

Was it a mistake? Probably. Do I regret it? Maybe.

But change is inevitable, so might as well go with the flow or break.

Thought I was going to explain myself didn't you???

CityGirl in Tent

So this weekend for one night and one night only this city girl is going CAMPING.

I am actually very excited!!!

Nervous about such a close encounter with nature but at the same time thrill to be hanging in the hoods ready for an adventure. 

The melody from the wizard of Oz keeps coming in to mind "Lion and Tigers and Bears OH MY" 

I have all the stuff i will need ready, including my brand new green sleeping bag (yes I purchased it especially for this trip but you can't blame me for not owning one. After all what use are sleeping bags in the middle of the city?).

 I probably over packed but not having much experience at camping as a regular Texan girl should have, I need to be prepared. As I always say extra  is always better.

So wish me luck, and I'll go in to detail in a few days.

Lost

Lost in thoughts that somehow connect but don't seem to make sense.

I fight the urge to think.

Distractions are encouraged, they are sweetly welcomed.

But distractions leave and thoughts are back in motion.

It's like a sea of colors, names, faces DNA and eyes.

I can't swim to shore.

A million hands pull me down and I begin to sink.

At first I fight it.

Then numbness takes control and I allow it to happen.

Flashes of random people, places and events cloud it all.

Nothing makes sense, the answers staring at me but the commotion doesn't help to focus.

I Pray, I weep, I stare. Nothing makes sense. 

I keep falling snapshots of  fotographs and moving scenes volume on high.

HD channels, teddy bears, snow and chocolate bunnies.

Your Face his Face my Face. A dangling web of shoes, lies, and hopes.

I see it then, the pink wand that made butterflies rise...

Thats when I realize:

                     I need a Librarian to organize my brain.  

To Be Known and to Know.

For some love is all about jealousy and drama. The fighting, the screaming the hot make ups. Kissing under the rain, slapping then kissing. Some treat love like a soap opera, claws come out and it's all one big show. I mean come on, people are obsessed with proving love through  dramatic action, isn't this the reason Romeo and Juliet is a classic? What's more romantic than Star-crossed lovers against the world? 

I know most people think love is about passion, about going completely nuts over some one and about wild crazy sex. I know for most, love should be about fighting dragons with swords, jumping out of exploding vehicles, arranging a petal bath for a sexy candlelit night or a proposal inside a big Tiffany store or at a park doing a singalong number.

I guess one can blame Hollywood and Shakespeare for filing our heads with  these kinds of cliches about love.

And I am not going to lie, that sort of action seems thrilling I mean who wouldn't want princess charming, captain America or Brad Pitt to proposes in a public manner and fight of evil at the same time?

But when I think of what I want from love its not the big romantic actions (not that I'd complain) , or the passionate "I need your sex here and and right now" No, when I think about love I imagine the little details.  I picture my grandparents, who've practically have been married forever, and never had a movie writen about them. And still I see the way they stick together through children, money issues, sickness everything.  And I observe the way they look at each other and it makes me wonder, what it would be like to really be known by someone. To be known and to know.

I think that is really what love it about, To be constantly studied, thought about, to be so interested in what the other has to say that the insistent probing questions never stop.

I think Love is all about caring enough about someone that  you're constantly trying to make sense of the mess inside their brain. To not have to explain everything you do. Honesty would rule, trust would be so open that even if he stayed out all night and claimed to be taken by alien you'd actually believe him.

To know each others moods, fears, weaknesses and still love one another.

To know the darkest side of someone and still feel admiration towards them..

You wouldn't have to explain yourself over and over. Because You'd know and he'd know.

Love would mean that they'd always give you the benefit of the doubt. They'd wipe your tears, and would never intentionally be the cause of those tears

Feeding you chicken soup when you're sick, kissing you when your make-up is ruined, holding you're hand in front of anyone.

Love is knowing some one.

You'd know and He'd know

and

even when you don't "know it all" you try to learn more...

A simple love like that.

I wonder what that would be like. 

Eyes Lie

I don't believe in love at first sight. Eyes Lie

The idea that with one single glance you can see that imminent connexion and feel that magnetic pull is a mere piece of fiction. It doesn't happen in real life. People fall in love through sharing, talking getting to know someone. In real life people do not fall in love through staring at a pair of overly expressive eyes.

It just doesn't happen. I mean sure you might like someone at a first glance. But Love? No way. Love requires work, effort. Its not an instant sensation that overtakes you.

I don't believe in Love at first Sight! Eyes Lie

I like reading about it, and I like watching those cheese romantic movies where the characters "Just know they are meant for each other". But In real life? Please! it be like believing in unicorns or frogs that turn in to kings.

Like a few months back when I saw a guy with gorgeous penetrating eyes, I didn't fall in love. Sure he has those perfect eyes that you can't ever really be sure if they're black, or gray or maybe even green. A smile that melts the coldest of Icebergs. A strong but sweet voice that sounded fit for a knight.

Whatever.

I simply shook my head and focused all my energy in to  ignoring him.

Love at first sight does not exist. Eyes Lie.

When I kept bumping in to him the next week and the next the energy to ignore those eyes became weaker and weaker. I gave in, I liked staring at those eyes (even though it was just from afar). I felt myself falling in to those eyes that seemed to speak without words.

A weird twist of circumstances made it possible for me to stare up close in to those eyes. I am still in shock from the effect they had over me. He could have asked for anything, I'd done it all to stay in presence of those eyes.

Eyes that seemed to say it all but at the same time were such a mystery.

Eyes that felt as if they'd known me all my life. As if with one glance he could know my deepest secret my darkest fear. It felt as if I'd been completely undressed in his presence.

It felt as if he was seeing the best of me. I felt my best under the stare of those eyes.

Whatever...

I insist this isn't a fairytale, love at first sight does not exist, and since its not a happy ever after scenario I confess he must have not felt the same pull I did.

I thought he did.

For a second there I almost forgot Love at first sight is just a myth, a story, a work of fiction.. 

In reality There was no connection, no Love, just a pair of eyes. 

A pair of indescribable, expressive eyes. Eyes that seem so genuine, so open and excited. Eyes that seem to tell a story.

Love at first sight does not exist. still a pair of eyes seem to keep haunting my dreams, and  invading my every thought.

I guess Eyes Lie.

Or maybe not?

I guess I can only hope.

They say eyes are the windows to our soul, if this in fact is true then Eyes cannot Lie.

I guess eyes can lie, still I hope.

I hope those eyes will stare at me again.

Consequences

This Texan girl is finally back from her amazing Sin City vacation and I must confess that Las Vegas has taken its toll on me.

My feet are swollen, my skin is completely sunburned and I've gained some weight. Lets just say that having three fooled nights filled with girl drama, girl bonding, shopping, drinking and gambling can be extremely exhausting.The trip was not at all what I expected:

                                                       It was ten times BETTER!!!

I need to mention that this trip was the first one where I had to do the whole boarding an airplane and checking in to a hotel on  my own. The whole dynamic terrified me. It made my stomach twirl and acke (Not just because I have a deep hatred for airplanes). But to my surprise I did well, I passed security, took my plane and waited 4 hours in Vegas while the rest of my party arrived. and through the whole ordeal I was at perfect peace (Saying a few prayers here and now whenever I thought I couldn't handle it).

But enough of silly details lets get started with the trips highlights:

First of all lets mention the fact that I loved having my own room. Being able to watch TV at full volume, setting the temperature at my own like, jumping on both beds, being able to air dry, model my outfits in embarrassing poses in front of the mirror, it was all absolutely thrilling.

I know it sounds completely selfish but I've always thought that there is no point in writing something that I don't mean (Fiction or Non-Fiction it has to be something I mean). So to be completely honest I loved not having roommates!!!

Second the food is delicious. The buffets are huge, sort of the banquets I imagined the Greek gods had. And there is food everywhere!!! Every hotel has different types of food from the crepes Suzette at the Paris, or the Gelatos at the Mirage. There are millions of choices for all kinds of tastes. The New York has a pizza place that opens 24hrs its the perfect solution for when a tiring night of dancing ends and one is completely starving.
Its not just the food its the drinking. 

The large variety of alcoholic smoothies one can consume there is astonishing. And the fact that you can continue your stroll around the strip under the hot sunny day with the cold deliciousness in your hand is just heaven.I know that if you don't know me very well this might make me sound like an alcoholic but the truth is I hardly ever drink, I mean I enjoy cocktails but I have never in my life found the idea of  drinking till i pass out or hurling something fun, which is why i control my drinking as much as possible limiting it to feel a slight buzz but no more. Having said this let me explain that under no circumstance was I going to pass on the opportunity of drinking in sin City!!! Still I kept my values on check and at no moment did I pass out or vomit.

The third highlight of Sin city are the clubs.

Each hotel has a different club and each club has a different style.

Dancing is the best part of each club, there are like million dancing styles.

The lights are usually so dim you can sway your body in any direction, just for a while let go of all your inhibitions, your fears your issues and just sway. The music is so load you literally feel your heart change its beat, your whole body begins to pump blood faster than if you'd just finished a run and the whole ordeal just make you feel...Alive!

It doesn't matter who you are with, who is watching or anything. All that matters is that for those few music filled hours you are just forgetting it all and swaying jumping even yelling all your basic instinct take over and dancing becomes not just part of the experience but the entire point.

Downside the drinks are way expensive, every guy there is only interested in one thing,

Not that there is anything wrong about going to sin city in search for some physical fun but I still find the whole hooking up with a complete stranger, Gross. Not only because of the obvious diseases that might be involved but because of the whole lack of emotional connection. I know I am completely old fashioned I understand that now in these current days, sex and making love are not one in the same. But still when I lose the big V I want it to be with the old traditional values, love marriage fidelity.

OK Ups getting way off topic. Where were we? Right, Vegas.  The shows are incredible!

Seriously they are truly wonderful. I went to see Menopause the musical (I kid you not) it is the most hilarious thing ever. imagine four slightly over weighed grown women singing about Hot Flashes. It was just to die for. Not to mention that one of the actresses was the one who lend her voice as Belle in Disney's beauty and the beast (One of my absolute favorites).

The next show we saw was Criss Angel's Believe!!!

I can't even begin to describe how impacting this show was.

I guess I should begin by saying that until I saw this show I had not even the slightest idea of Who Criss angel was. The theater for his show is in the Luxor Hotel it is breath taking. its huge, and gothic and filled with really scary bunnies (Before this I didn't even know bunny's could be that scary, except for my red eyed freak I had when I was in second grade)

The point is Criss Angel is seriously scary he can do stuff that I can't even begin to wrap my mind on. Seriously cutting a women, appearing levitating. It was all so shocking! I have no more words to describe this so please just check him out. (Plus he is way Hot)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Erzp72P4fEw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4VzQFnOQVRs

This pretty much summarizes the whole Vegas trip. I am not mentioning the private drama (Cause trust me that with an all girls trip there is bound to be some drama) because well its none of your business anyway.

So let me end by saying Hiya Austin!

Sin City

So this Texan girl is getting tired of the routine. Every single day the same old thing: Work. The place where the heat is exhausting, the clients are lunatics and  food is lame. The place that has transformed her in to a completely annoying cry baby.

Well this Texan Cowgirl has finally had enough!!!

I am taking charge of my situation and I will be taking a Texas break and will be heading off to "SIN City" Nevada!!!

The tickets are bought and in 12 more days I'll be drinking  a margarita while I play with the slots.
I have never gone to las Vegas. At least not at a legal age so I can't even begin to imagine what kind of crazy wonders I might find.

Probably all kinds of debauchery!!! The list include drinking, eating, gambling and most definitely DANCING !!!

Now all I have to do is pack!!!
...and for that I must go SHOPPING!!! After all Sin City is a place I cannot attend  with my usual attire. It requires much more elegant designs and sexier fabrics. Not to mention the amount of perfume and heals I will need to purchase.

But It will all be worth wild.

Girls night out for three straight nights !!!

Things I need...

Tickets... Check
Id....Check
Sexy group of crazed friends with which to dance..... Triple Double Quadruple check
Sexy cloths.... In Progress
Heals... Check


So See you later suckers!!!

12 ore days and its paradise!!!

=D

The View

I have currently been introduced to another Austin site.
It is a lovely place on top of one of Austin's high points.A stone path leads the way. It overlooks Lake Austin and is surrounded by evergreen trees. Big houses that will probably always be out of my budget can be admired from this point. Boats can be seen as they cross by creating Small waves.
If you keep on walking through the stone path you come on to a part where you can from afar take in the lovely down town area. I find the buildings in that zone to be majestically designed.

It still amazes me how Austin can feel sometimes like a big worldly hectic city and other times give the impression of being a calm peaceful small town. I love the combination its as if it allows you to be in the NOW and at the same time gives you a chance to breath in and collect yourself  making it easier to keep on going.

Where to find The place where you can find this marvelous view? To be perfectly honest I must confess that  I can't really give directions towards it because to be honest I have absolutely no idea how I got there. And most likely won't be able to go there again without my guide.
I guess we all need a someone like that once in a while. So here is my advice get yourself a guide and go see the view cause there isn't anything better than a great view while in Amazing company.

PS... Kayak riding is next on my list. I can't really say I am from austin if I ahven't taken the time to actually visit the Lake. Right?

Prince Charming

I am not quite sure how I began to reminisce about this.It was probably the suffocating heat Austin has been giving us lately or the lack of water but there I am just in the middle of a regular work day when all of a sudden I am struck by the memory of when I was a little girl and my long life dream was to become... a pirate.

I know, most little girls dream of becoming princess or fairies or mermaids. but not me. I loved the idea of being the captain of my very own ship. Ordering men to capture the loot and making those disobedient ones jump of the plank. I loved a good sword fight and although back then I couldn't really understand what rum was I imagined it was something magical that made everyone beyond happy.

I am not going to lie and say I didn't enjoy picturing myself in one of those big fluffy dresses like Cinderella's or that I didn't dream to live in a castle in the middle of nowhere. But somehow I found it ridiculous that the fragile girl had to wait to be rescued. I couldn't grasp the idea of becoming a victim so easily.
Which is probably the reason I detested Snow White. I mean come on! she doesn't even put on a fight she stupidly voluntarily eats the freaking apple. If you ask me she is the ultimate self victimized character out there.

No. Even at such a young age a realized that that would never be me. I was sure I could fight my own sword battles as I'd been constantly training against my cousins!

However, there is only one thing about princess that rocks. And that is that they all find prince charming. That perfect studly gallant man who rides a horse and has blue eyes! I wanted one of those. I loved the idea of finding a perfect partner who would cross the oceans with me and fight by my side. At such an early age I was sure Mr. perfect would just waltz in to my life and carry me off in to the sunset.

As time progressed and although I was still a child I realized pirates don't find prince charming. Prince charming is exclusively interested in the damsel in distress, in the fair maiden, in the unattainable beauty.  I mean even Aladdin the street rat fell in love with princess Jazmin. At that moment I realized I had to change my tactics. I remember thinking "Maybe these princesses do have it all figured out. I mean they don't do anything and a valiant hansom princess just appears in to their lives." So I set my dream aside and prepared to enter girl world.

At first girl world seemed exciting! There was so much to learn from makeup tips to flirting instructions. I took note and began my journey determined to find Mr. right! I was a truly a diligent student constantly trying to improve.

But girl world soon became exhausting. I could never stop learning.  Smile but not eagerly. Wink but discreetly. Use make up but not excessively. Show skin but not in a vulgar manner. Be strong but not to strong. Flip your hair. Curl your eye lashes. Wear heals. Buy a push up bra.

There were like a billion different rules!!!

Give guys your full attention (Although they bore you). Never show your smarter then them (Although you might be). In any sort of games let them win (Although it kills you inside). Pretend to need them for everything (Even when opening waterbottles). Make eye contact but not a lot.

And although I tried and practiced I never seemed to get all of these right.

The whole ordeal soon was more then I could handle.  I'd completely lost myself in girl world and I couldn't recognize anything about me. I'd become obsessed with finding a guy that I'd forgotten about anything else.
And still after all this I was no closer to finding Mr. right than when I'd wanted to be a pirate.
Guys who fell for this sorts of tricks were not the kinds of guys I wanted.

After all, I wanted to give my full attention to a guy that was really interesting.
I wanted to find a guy who was smart but who'd appreciate my smarts as well.
A strong willed man who'd be able to protect me. Niot a weak link who'd I'd constantly have to bust his ego by having him open my water bottles.

And how was I suppose to find A guy who'd battle my battles and fight along my side when I didn't even know on which side I was anymore

So I quit.

I took the things I liked about girl world like make up, and cleavage. But left behind the whole charades and tactics.
I decided my Pirate young self had it right all along.  Mr. Right will appear eventually and when he does he will like my quirks, he'll Cherise my values and he'll love me for who I am not who I pretend to be. And I in exchange will love him for himself.
Together into the sunset

So thank you pirate self me for setting me straight!

Yellow Is The New Green

Its finally summer here in the beautiful Texas Capital sadly it isn't looking as green as it should there is a horrible dryspell. No rain is in sight. The clouds are leaving to give way to a hot stubborn sun.
Alledgedly there hasn't been a dryspell this bad in decades which just makes me wonder if my arrival to the city could have had something to do with it. Occurs I am mostly joking but what other explanation is there. My arrival has changed the scenic view from emerald green to well, yellow. Lets be clear and expalin that I am mainly joking, mostly.

Surprisingly the city doesnt seem to have lost its beauty despite the color chance. The city has embraced its new found color and lets the sun surround it making it seem almost golden, as if old king Midas had decided to make a stop.

The one good thing about this whole dryspell is that all this is the humidity is disapearing. The weather is now Hot but dry which is perfect since it reminds me of my old home. Despite my fond memories I do pray for rain, I had grown used to the marvelous green surroundings and i have come to miss them.

I guess one can get sued to anything. Even Yellow biengthe new green.

Starting from ZERO

Part of living in a new city is experiencing the freshness of starting from zero, being able to create a new persona and trying to make it better than what one once was. Unfortunately this also mean lots of first impressions. I suck at first impressions. I've been told to seem like a stuck up bitch, apparently I seem cold and uninterested. Believe when I say that my distant attitude has more to do with a severe case of shyness and nothing to do with being stuck up.
I don't understand what happens but as soon as I am in front of new people I feel light headed and my feet seem wobbly. My voice turns mousy and I am barely able to breath. My countless hours of practicing in front of a mirror are in vane because when the moment of truth comes I just lose it.
I hate to admit it but my case gets even worst when the new people I am suppose to meet happens to be a cute, scratch that, HOT guy.
Like just the other day, I met lets call him Mr. X. It started out fine I was talking, in a whisper of a voice but talking and he asked where I was from, I answered glad of being asked a question which answer I knew. Then he said, "That's right its close to Anthony isn't it?" That caught me completely of guard. For the life of me I couldn't remember if it was close to Anthony, What was this mysterious name he had spoken?
So as a complete idiot I mumbled. "Next to New Mexico," Occurs after that the conversation ended dramatically, him looking at me as if I were a) a liar who wasn't really from where I had stated I was from b) a snob who refused to answer or c) a dumb blond who had no geographical idea of the place she claimed to live in.
Anyway now every time I see him I can't even bring myself to smile because of the increasing blushing my freakishly red cheeks obtain. It is dramatically embarrassing. So I have ruined my first impression chance and am currently suffering the consequences of my psychological shyness disorder.
Any suggestion will be gladly received.
I really really think Mr. X is the cutest man alive, not to mention that he is the first guy in Austin I happen to like since I arrived,  so if anyone knows a good psychologist.or any methods to avoid shyness, (I'll even consider medication) I am opened to ideas.
Oh and flirting tips, I know that being a blond people immediately assume I have an awesome set of flirtation skills but Its not true. I am a complete socially inadequate, born with the wrong hair color.

Bluebonnets

Austin has finally flourished !!!

The wind is fresh the bees are humming and the birds are singing. its like the miracle of life is appearing right before my eyes.
I had always heard about the miracle of spring. But I never understood the strange fascination people had towards it. Winter and Fall I love and summer I hate but I had always been completely impartial towards Spring. That is until I moved to the capital of Texas.

I can't explain why it is that I just recently discovered this marvelous season but I can tell you that Austin has one of the most beautiful springs ever !!!

The grass is ten times greener then in the summer and the trees make believe they are in forest instead of being in middle of the city. and the flowers !!!!
OMG the flowers are the most precious image ever. There are yellow ones and red ones and big ones and tiny ones. And especially Blue ones the bluebonnets are a sight to behold !!!
Legend has it that Austin has so many Bluebonnets because president Johnson's wife used to love them so she would spread seeds all around just to see them blossom. I doubt the story is true but in any case the city is invaded by these blue little miracles.




Ain't that pretty?

Regressions

According to Wikipedia Regression, from a psychological point of view refers to  "a defense mechanism leading to the temporary or long-term reversion of the ego to an earlier stage of development rather than handling unacceptable impulses in a more adult way." meaning that "The defense mechanism of regression, in psychoanalytic theory, occurs when thoughts are pushed back out of our consciousness and into our unconscious.^"

I think I may have been suffering from this symptom. Lately I've been writing in my Teen angst style. which was long time buried !!! I guess the whole adapting to a new city and a new life is harder then i had anticipated. But never did I even consider the fact that my old mood swings, my slicing habits and apparently old obsessions would kick back in and monopolize my entire self once again.
The fact remains that they have all come back to hunt me. Even weird vivid crazy dreams about my old crush have been coming to me. I guess I long for the old days but this whole issue is becoming absurd. I am 23 years old I am not suppose to be feeling the confusion a teenager suffer

I guess the no one is ever to old to be trapped in by regressions. Now that I am aware of it the issue should become obsolete for how can i continue to regress when i am aware and will be strong enough to overcome them. But how can I become strong enough to outgrow the regressions? Just knowing I have regressed has helped a lot at least now i am aware of my actions .But it is not enough. I still continue to slip back in to my old habits including the continuing annoyance at everyone and everything.

These damn regressions are making my life even more complicated then I can handle.

Any Suggestions?

Free Hugs

So me and my best friend in the whole world are walking around at the premium outlets just wondering around. Mentally preparing for what shopping around sale specials usually in tails: pushing, pulling and glaring.
In any other city in the world shopping is a very aggressive sport, after all good prices fly of the racks. And I am not saying its any different in Austin except that well  ii is the city of WEIRD so beside the above items this particular day of shopping held a surprise.
Outside on the quad a lady held a big sign which read: Free Hugs.
Weird right? I am not saying hugs are weird but hugs given by complete stranger WEIRD.
Well being the antisocial creature that I am. I backed away from this crazy lady avoiding her gaze and bumping straight in to an old lady, that's how deep the need to run possessed me.
But apparently I was the only one with this despair. People around this lady just laughed and received their free hugs.
It wasn't until later on I learned that there is a free hugging campaign going on. apparently one can find all kinds of free hug videos on the YouTube.
So if you are not as socially challenged as me you might want to look at the videos and try promoting this new campaign at your city. Good luck with that.

There are like hundreds of videos just imput free hugs and the city of your desire.
 Here is an example video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qs0rvVNDXxs&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4

6th St

In Austin Texas there is a street unlike any other. At least not any that I have previously encountered.
Its called 6th St. It is located in Austin's down town area. During the day time it is a pretty unimpressive site. In fact most every place on that street is closed during the day time.
It's not until the night comes that this street becomes truly alive.
The street is divided in two sections.
One is called Dirty 6th which is were cool crazy clubs are. on some weekends the street becomes so packed that it has to be guarded by policemen, even ambulances sit close on stand by. Some people believe this place has dancing locations and crazy drunks jumping or even boxing on the street. It is a pretty impressive site. For the first few seconds when you arrive a sort of panic fills you it immobilizes you  for a few seconds while you try to take the whole atmosphere in. But as the night progresses and the wind blows on your face you feel truly liberated. If you thought dancing and jumping up and down in a club was fun trust me when I say that jumping like a maniac on the street is way cooler.
The other half of 6th street has a more pompous feel to it. Not saying that it is less fun. on the contrary I just want to mark down the difference in the type of fun both sides of 6th street are.
This side lets call it the classy 6th has a more variety of drinks. ad the overall ambiance seems to feel more like a normal club.
But unlike dirty 6th the classy 6th has a better variety of eye candy. Cute boys dressed in very gentlemen attire are everywhere. At the bar, at the dance floor everywhere.
Just this previous weekend I encountered a lovely Israeli boy who was not just good looking but quite the charmer. As I said my my good byes he grabbed my hand and bestowed upon it a kiss. Leaving me all giddy feeling like a modern day princess.

So what ever your fit is 6th St has it all!

Cupid Arrows

So February valentines day is here. February is here The month of Love and friendship. Or just the month of commercialized gift giving =P what ever you want to call it. I have decided to honer this month by reading romantic tales.
I have began this crusade by reading the oldest love stories of humanity. The classics. Mythology.
Mythology is full of romance, betrayal and love affairs and disturbingly enough even incest.

We have Jupiter who is the son / lover of Gaia (mother earth)
then Zeus and the marvelous adventures between him and his 7 brides and his forever growing collection of lovers.

Greek Mythology has a

It's amazing how most of our culture comes from the Romans and the Greeks.

Then later on I think its only right to read a little Shakespeare, after all who better to demonstrate a little romance then the prince of words himself.

After that I am pretty much open for ideas. any out there want to suggest something?????

Down The Rabbit Hole

So I haven't written anything new in a while.
The truth is I had nothing good to say.
I fell in deep in to a rabbit hole. The rabbit hole of the darkness of my mind.
I do that sometimes. I get lost in there and I can't find my way back.
I can see how easily I let situations eat me up. I can see my soul shatter and my heart crumble and my body perish.
I can see how I let loneliness get the best of me. But still I let the fall down the rabbit's hole take its course.
I don't even try to hold on to anything anymore.I just fall and fall and maybe cry.

So apparently living in  the Capital of Texas does not mean my maniacal depressions are cured. I must say I think they have gotten worst. I mean I am not doing anything crazy like cutting or running straight in to a Longhorn but I am definitely going back in to the hole.

I can't really blame Austin. I have always been this way, But I can hold Austin partially responsible.
After all I have been living in this place for a several months now and still the only place in this city that feels even remotely like home is my house.

I mean don't take this the wrong way I love the Austin building, it's gardens, the parks everything. But unfortunately nothing feels like home, yet.

Except my house.

Would I die if I lost that to???

No.

Probably just take a deeper trip in to the rabbit hole

Brrr...

Its Freezing !!!

Remember what I said about Austin's crazy weather??? Well I wasn't kidding the weather in this city is definitely suffering from a weird bipolar syndrome. Yesterday was a beautiful sunny Texan day, People on the street were wearing sun dresses and flip flops and shorts and miniskirts. But TODAY!!!
It's barely 9:16 am. and it has already rained and even hailed all we are missing here in the capital of Austin is some snow. The winds are blowing like crazy caring with them that penetrating bone freeze, and the sun is no where to be found.

Anyways I was questioned this morning, If given the opportunity would I leave this bipolar city and return to my home town?
I thought the answer would be that I'd leave in a heartbeat, but as I thought about it, I realized that would be a LIE.
I love the bipolarness of Austin, I love not knowing what new thing is coming. And sure I am still not 100% fitting in, and yeah my lacking social life is driving me slowly mad,  And I definitely miss my friends and family like crazy and would love to see them.

But I must confess I don't want to leave Austin!!!

I want to fit in, and become part of this whole  "Keeping Austin Weird" culture.

So ask me again in a few months how I feel. Maybe the weather will end up getting on my nerves. But for now I am hope full

Cheers to new beginnings!!!!

Do You Like Country Music?

Since it's Sunday and I am really not looking forward to Monday I decided to treat myself to something nice. So I take my mom and my brother to get a delicious coffee at the Starbucks near my house (one of the perks about living in the capital of Texas: A Starbucks in every corner) when I get to the drive through expecting for some one to take my order but instead A perky girl voice saying "Do you like Country music?"
At first I thought I had completely misheard, surely this girl speaking at me through an intercom of sorts would give a damn about my taste in music.
"What was that?" my brother asks the intercom lady.

"Do you like Country music?" she repeats a chipper tone in her voice.

"Yes" my brother and I answer cautiously

"Oh good, I'll explain when you get to the window. If you had said No then I wouldn't have explained" The girl says before going back to normality and taking our order.

when we get to the window I am actually anxious to hear the wondrous explanation. Sure it has something to do with us getting a promotional new country drink or something, I wonder inside my head.
But oh deception, at the window there is no perky girl, but instead boring, chubby guy, who immediately  confirms our order and does not even mention the whole weird question incident.

There I am completely bummed when this girl appear on my window and asks again "So, Do You Like Country Music?"

"Yes" My brother and I practically yell expecting our free drink or something!

"Good, you absolutely have to check out Sunny Sweeny on Itunes, its just five songs for five dollars" she says before disappearing again to get our drinks.

Apparently this Sunny Sweeney was the girls friend and she had taken upon herself to help promot her, even at work.  (Only in Austin)

So there we are laughing about the weirdness of the whole incident when the girl appears again smiling and asks "What was the name?"

I am caught completly off guard. For a minute or two I have no idea what she means.
So the first thing I do is blurt out my name!
I Know !!! Completely Idiotic moment.

"The singer" she explains
And for the love of god I cannot remmeber the damn singers name.
Shanney? Sally?
My mind goes blank
 Thankfully my brother's doesn't and he yells
"Sunny Sweeney"

"Well, that was weird" I say as we leave completely embaressed by the whole experience and amused to

"Hey they're just Keeping Austin Weird" my brother says as we all laugh.

So for all of you guys who are planning to visit our Dear Texan Capital, Be prepared. Don't get rattle by weird questions on drivethru's

So if you like country music here is a video link to Sunny Sweeney

www.youtube.com/watch?v=KBtoM1-dGw0

No Social Life

Everyone understands the disadvantages of not having a social life. No human contact, no parties to attend, no hugs when needed etc.
But what about the great advantages.
Since I moved to the Capital of Texas, and I am currently lacking a social life, I have had time to do millions of other things including:

1-Working around 50 hrs a week for a job that pays me a total of 20 hrs a week
2- Spend lots and lots of quality time with my mom and my little brother (who is now freakishly taller then me)
3- Read book after book, (On this 2011 I have managed to read a total of four books,and have a waiting list, I am trying to read at least four books a month this year, any one want to bet I can do it? This means I will have read 48 books by the end of the year. Oh hell lets make it 50!)
4- Discovered around five literary magazines which I had no idea existed (Some of them as thick as books)
5- Taken a tour of Austin on a Bus that ended up splashing in to Lake Austin (not to mention the duck whistles I got) Don't worry we did not drown, apparently I was inside no ordinary bus, but on a magical bus that can also float on water!!!! if interested visit  http://www.austinducks.com/
6-Have gone to the Capitol so many times I think I finally have it memorized the entire building. Seriously the guards already know my name! OK fine they don't but they should considering how many times I've gone, at the very least they should have me marked down as a suspect. I mean seriously how many times can a girl want to go visit the Capital.
7-Discovered a small park behind the church I go to and actually sat on a swing !!! I had not done that in years!!! And I am proud to say I still swing the highest !!!!
8-Spend most of my salary in new movies, TV series !!! Anything that helps me live vicariously by others.
9-Discovered the greatest creation of all man kind : NETFLIX which is basically a genie lamp !!!!
10-Have joined an LSAT prep course, for which I claim Insanity!!! The class was so boring, not to mention the people were a bunch o STUCK-UP-Wanna-Be lawyers. (No offense to my dear lawyer friends)
11- Have had time to quit the LSAT prep course and have headed back in to my nagging Identity crises!
12-Have discovered that I am in fact a Shopaholic! I can't go to Walgreen's and just buy what I need because I need everything !!! Lacking a social life is excellent for discovering the best shopping spots in Austin: The Domain, The Round Rock Premium Outlets, and  the marvelous malls, which names I seem to always forget.

So as you guys can see having no social life has at the very least 12 great advantages. Especially when I live in a city with so many things to do, and places to visit. Did I mention There are Three mayor chains of bookstores here? That's right Barnes and Nobles, Borders, and Book People.
I know It seems like I am being completely sarcastic about everything but I am honest when I say I am lucky to  be living in Austin I really honetly can say that I love the city, the atraccions and the series of cultural events and life.

So yeah I am sarcastic but loving it !

Keeping Austin Weird!

Austin is such a weird City.
I am serious, maybe its because having previously lived in a boring routine run city
or because whatever the truth is I find Austin weirder then any other City.
I am not just talking about the seriously derange weather
which shifts from freezing cold one day to sunny picnic warm the next.
I am talking about everything!
Austin is weird.
The other day on my way to work I saw this guy in shorts, no shirt on (and it was freaking cold) but wearing BOXING GLOVES.
... he was boxing next to a Sonic by himself at 8:30 am. unless he was  having a round with the invisible man in that case it  would be...still weird !!!
Now lets talk about how Austin really does "bleed orange" I am serious everywhere you turn there is at least one person wearing a longhorn T-shirt, its like being an official member of a mega size cult!
Longhorn cloths, Longhorn jewelry even Longhorn mugs. I swear to God you walk in to a Victoria Secret and there is Longhorn panties and bras! I mean I guess some guys would be turn on by that, But seriously guys would you rather have a girl wearing a sexy black corset or some panties with a Longhorn stamped on the but area?

OK and what about the all the weird animals that Austin has to offer! It's like the animals here are everywhere. It's like living in the forest except that I-35 cross town.
There is a massive invasion of deers! There are ducks, turtles, skunks and the occasional snake lizard and toad.
There are even Freaking Albino Squirrels roaming the UT campus. Not to mention that I almost run over an ARMADILLO. I wish I were kidding there are ARMADILLOS running wild in the city !!!!
Oh! and how can I forget there are also real size Longhorns!

Despite all of this I must confess: I myself am doing my best to keep Austin weird!
I go with the flow, keeping in my car a huge jacket and some gloves in case the weather turns on me. I have given in to the whole Longhorn cult and have bought a lovely charm for my phone.
And I Love living in a place which can't be categorize as a City or a Country site.

Yes I still suffer with the whole lack of organization my life is having but I am getting weirder by the minute, and who knows maybe by next week I'll be the one boxing in the street, or ballet dancing. Who knows!?

Starting Over

I personally like to define life as a constant Change.
Change comes with no warning.
One day you can be living a normal happy life
preparing to graduate, looking for a job
parting it up with friends.
Getting to that point were you're actually glad to be a part of your family
There you are, minding your own buisness,
being perfectly happy of how you've finally managed to get your things sorted.
Thinking you finally are having the life you've always wanted.

And the next thing you know disaster strikes
Chaos errupts in your city
economy drops
and before you know it life has sent you spinning completly out of control
in a whole new direction.
A direction that not even in your wildest dreams did you imagine.

Your plans are now ash, and your alone.

What then?

What's Next?

I'll let you know when I figure it out.