So Long Ago...

Wow!!! Its been forever since I've written. I was trying to catch up with how fast time flies in Houston! Seriously It feels like all i have time now for is Work! its exhausting! Traffic is so horrible. either people are driving so fast it seems they are auditioning for one of those Fast and Furious films or they drive slower than a turtle in winter! Plus everyone is so rude! no one is friendly i am serious out there on the road its every men / women for him/herself! I feel like i am heading of to war every morning i leave the house! and thats even efore i get started with clients! Clients are rude bastards most of them. I am nicer to customer service sales reps now because seriously the way some people are is a great clue of what the hell is wrong with this world. Manners people! Would it kill you to say please and thank you? Yeah it probably will some people. I know i sound bitch and negative but Geez!!! Taking a break in Houston is nearly impossible! I barelly have time to breath!!!

New City

Finally left Austin. New city : Houston,  Tx. Let's see what happens...

Oh my what Big EGO you Have!!!

Teddy Bears are completely OVERRATED!!!

As of Today I Hate Teddy bears!!!!

Patience

Spinning round and round and round

until you feel your heart sway.

Your whole self tingles

no self control

no rules.

Smile.

Cry.

Wish.

Dare it.

Don't worry,

the pain will cease,

not now, but someday.

the bleeding will stop,

just be patient, its not that hard

you either live

or you die.

Just Acting.

People say I am as open as an open book,
                                    (I've never understood the phrase)

They say they can almost see my thoughts,
                   they say they can almost touch them,

So I wonder...
           Can they really?

Do they see the dark clouds that roam through my mind?
                                    Not likely,
                                      they'd be scared of the thunder in them.

Do they feel my turmoil when you walk in?
                Can they feel the huricane inside my brain?
                                   Not likely, they wouldn't be able to sit so still.

Do they see how your presence makes me spiral down a waterfall?
                                    Can they feel me crashing on the rocks bellow?

People Say they can almost see my thoughts,
Can they really?
           
I tell them that perhaps,
                perhaps they just see what I want them to see,
                         perhaps I am the mastermind of deception.
         They laugh at the notion
They call me silly,
They say its my eyes that give me away,

Still I wonder can they really see me,
                                                 and smile as they do?
             Perhaps they can.
Perhaps we are all just oscar worthy actors,
trying to steal the protagonist role from one another

Movie Screen: A Not So Tragic Tragedy (A POEM)

  

Scene 1, Take 1:

                Two friends inside a car.

                                                … a boy

                                                … a girl                 

                ACTION!

Girl is gently sobbing

Words are hard to come by

                                Saying goodbye is quite a hard endeavor.            

                Fear of not being missed, fear of being alone…again

Scene 2, Take 1:

                Two friends inside a car.

                                                … a boy

                                                … a girl 

                ACTION!

The boy is hugging her

She is his friend.

No words are needed

                                …still she keeps on trying

                                                The tears fall violently from her eyes

                He hugs her tighter, embracing her in comfort.

Scene 3, Take 1:

                Two friends inside a car.

                                                … a boy

                                                … a girl 

                ACTION!

He kisses her cheek       

                …for a moment the sadness leaves her.                               

                                She is happy, she is his friend.   

                                The tears are slowing down                       

                                                … he’s warmth makes her feel safe.       

                Saying goodbye is hard…             

                                …maybe their friendship will last

Scene 4, Take 1:

                Two friends inside a car.

                                                … a boy

                                                … a girl 

                ACTION!

Tears are still falling from her eyes,

                her make up is more then ruined.

                                 She feels her eyes are bloated.

                Still she feels her heart is safely guarded by a friend.

…He kisses her.

 Wait? What?  No! CUT!!!

Scene 4, Take 2:

                Two friends inside a car.

                                                … a boy

                                                … a girl 

                ACTION!

Tears are still falling from her eyes,

                her make up is more then ruined.

                                 She feels her eyes are bloated.

                Still she feels her heart is safely guarded by a friend.

…He kisses her. She kisses back.

                A perfect moment!

 Wait? What?  No! CUT!!!

Scene 5, Take 1:

                Two friends inside a car.

                                                … a boy

                                                … a girl 

                ACTION!

She moves away.

                Confusion…       

                                Bewilderment…

He apologizes, she smiles, they hug

                                They kiss.

CUT, CUT, CUT

Scene 5, Take 2:

                Two friends inside a car.

                                                … a boy

                                                … a girl 

                ACTION!

She moves away.

                Confusion…       

                                Bewilderment…

He apologizes,

she smiles,

they hug

                                                They kiss, Passionately.

NO! CUT.

Scene 6, Take 1:

                Two friends inside a car.

                                                … a boy

                                                … a girl 

                ACTION!

The heat is overwhelming

Breathing is hard and rough.      

                She can’t stop herself, he won’t stop.   

The heat keeps increasing, passion overflowing.

                She gasps for air…

…he whispers in her ear: a proposition of sorts.

                She moves away, reality coming back.

                Sense coming back.

Scene 7, Take 1:

                                                … a boy

                                                … a girl 

                                                                Inside a car.

ACTION!

He apologizes.

                She doesn’t speak.

                                He opens the door.        

                …he whispers a plea:

“Don’t tell anyone, I beg you.”

Scene 8, Take 1:

                                                … a girl 

                                                                Inside a car.

ACTION!

She is all alone

…her heart crumbles… 

she is his shame,

 she is his mistake                           

                she is no longer his friend.

One kiss and he is gone

                She is alone.      

FADE OUT

How to Live Today?

There are like a million quotes on seizing the moment, and living the present.
And I get it,  those quotes are like super smart, I understand them, How magnificent advice, live today!

What I don't understand is how?
How are we suppose to live today when the ghosts of our past keeps hunting us? When our future seems so uncertain?
How do you enjoy the now, when all your actions seem to take you further down the slippery slope of life?
How do you not let your past affect you when all your past defines you?
How do you stop thinking of the What ifs?
Where can I find the quotes that explain the how's?

How do you Live Today?
Do you ignore the past, and make the same mistakes a million times more?
Do you ignore the consequences of what might happen?

I've tried living in the moment, I've done things ignoring my past, and I've done things ignoring the future. I tried living the Today, and I got burned.

So seriously how do you live the Today to the fullest with out getting hurt?

Things to do in Austin before moving

Well since its official, and I'll be leaving the capital of Texas pretty soon I have decided that I don't want to leave any unsettle buisness here, cause well i am tired of leaving places and not doing all the things I wanted to!!!!

1-  Man Up! Tell the Teddy Bear how I really feel about him and demand the closure before leaving.

2- Invite Mike and Iza for a home cooked meal and give them the news.

3- Ask Mr. Overlly-Expressive-Eyes to take me out so I can explain to him how much he really meant to me.

4- Thank H-Boy for being there for me that dark night when the slashing came back (Maybe by letter instead)

5- Visit Amiguis in SA

6- Tell J-Girl the news and thank her for being my very first friend in Austin

7- Invite M out for drinks and Goodbyes

8- Thank Aure one last time / and return her movie

9- Tell Nana how much it meant that night when she saw me cry.

10- Write Goodbye letters to certain important people / and get Byebye Notebook

So its OFFICIAL!!!!

I am not sure what is next, I mean my brother is graduating, he will be in a few months a Neurobiologists!!! Fancy ain't it???, he is applying for med school which is awesome, and sad, i have no idea where he will leave to, and i can't imagine how that will be like... my mom got another job offer in Houston which is great because well her job here is probably going to close in a few months, but well its Houston, and i know its not far but still it is!! and then there is me, do i stay in Austin?

I want to, so bad!!!!  Ironic I know first being in the capital of Texas made me so nauseated but now,  i really don't want to leave.

But at the same time i am not sure, i mean its not exactly as if I have anything that ties me to Austin if my family isn't here right?

I mean yeah sure I've got really great friends, which i love, I do really do. sure I've had ups and downs with all of them and with others I've had horrible lows and fights but despite all of that I love the people this city has, they are all wonderful and well, Mr. Overly Expressive eyes, The Teddy Bear, J girl, all of them they are amazing.

But come on sometimes i wonder if they'd even notice i am gone? For sure Mr. Overly expressive eyes wouldn't I mean come on he didn't even noticed when I was mad at him, he sure as hell wouldn't notice if I disappeared from the face of the earth. and What about Teddy??? if he'd notice he absolutely wouldn't care, and the very thought of that hurts so freakin much, and I can't help and wonder that IF I'd not had so much pride and tried to fix things between us back when the big bomb exploded that maybe just maybe he and I could have ever been a WE and maybe things would be different now?

Ok being overly dramatic....

But you know they don't need me here, neither of them does, and i am not sure if they are what i need. does that make sense?\

Then there is my job,  i love my job i do, really, but is it what i want to be doing all the time for the rest of my life? no not really, it isn't something I'd miss either, right? so all that must indicate that its time to move, right? After all I've done my number of catastrophic mistakes with these people, they are probably getting sick of me. maybe its time for a new fresh clean beginning

after all moving isn't a big deal in my family, Ive been in ELP then Guadalajara, Cd Juarez, back to ELP and now Austin, what is one more city right? except that it SUCKs, Moving Sucks, I feel i set no roots, and people don't really ever get to know me because it takes me a while to open up and when i finally start to, well WE MOVE!!!

and now i am kinda going crazy, i know i should be calm, and collected and trust God and I do, I just wish it didn't suck so much, you know, i hate thinking that all the friends I've made here will just forget about me, which they will, not because they don't care but because its what happens when you stop seeing people. I am terrified that if i keep moving will anyone remember me as anything more than "That Blond I used to know".

 I am leaving Austin!

It looks like I'll be much more misplaced 

God please give me strength

I Can't Believe I did THAT!!!

OK. So Lately I've been having a series of "I can't believe I did THAT!!!" moments. Its as if for periods of time, my mind just shuts down and I end up doing the most ridiculous things.
And I am not talking of little silly one like the ones I routinely do, I am talking of the big, embarrassing things, that had I been in my right mind I wouldn't have never done!!!
I hate to admit this but its as if when I am with a certain someone my brain stops functioning. Which is ridiculous because he so obviously doesn't even care that I exist. Seriously he usually never acknowledges me and when he does its always to be mean, and still I keep doing all these stupid charades in order to what? I am not sure.
I blame my heart for being idiotic, and I blame my head for being completely weak, Because first my brain lets me do the embarrassing endeavours and then it makes me go crazy over my actions.
I hate this whole situation, I mean can't I just move on and for once in my life like a someone who actually likes me back. I always do this, ignore the perfectly nice guy who likes me and beg for the attention of the complete jerk who won't give me the time of day!!!
Maybe I am afraid of commitment, or have another sort of psychological disorder. Or perhaps I am just insane, either case I just wish I would stop making a complete idiot of myself for no reason.
So here is the absurdity of my actions with this guy:
First of all the stupid giggling I do this every time he is near its seriously wrong. I feel like a complete airhead every time he is near, its like I suddenly transform into a creature I can barely even recognize as myself. So then what do I do? I not-so-casually invite him over to red lobster, which he doesn't flat out say no, but he does find every possible way to avoid, and I can see him get nervous and not wanting to go, and I can't seem to stop myself from keep on joking on how much fun it would be. I can't believe I did that!!!
The next thing I did was that on his birthday, I organized a surprise for him. I made all of his friends scribble pretty messages on it, and then I got him a car wash card. How did this turn out, well I went all out of my way to buy the card, got lost, stuck in traffic, one of his girly-skinny-best friend wrote all over the truck barely giving me any room for me to write on and occurs he was excited and happy, and that made me completely happy but the point is he didn't really seem to care I organized it, all he cared was that his girly-skinny-best friend had written a cute message on the freaking truck!!! And I can't believe I did that!!! How incredibly stupid must I be to do all this show of nonsense all to get a hug from the Teddy bear????
Ohhh but my stupidity does not end there!!!! oh far from  it!!!
What did this lesson show me? well apparently my think head was not ready to throw in the towel. oh no!!! what did I do??
A couple days later I wrote on his truck, a cute little Roses are red poem, you know those absurd whimsical poems: Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, Honey is Sweet but not As Sweet as You. not only did I write this I did it with my RED LIPSTICK (which by the way got ruined) I wrote it supposedly anonymously but occurs he recognizes he's personalize stalker style!!!
I can't believe I did that!!!
What did he do? oh he texted, "Thanks, that was cute"  Talk about stabbing someone through the heart!!!
So I am trying very hard to stop with the obssessed freak complex.
And well believe it or not telling a bunch of strangers on the internet about it, helps me see myself as the crazy person I was starting to become, and well it end TODAY!!!
Finito.
Bye bye Teddy bear!!!
Ciao.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t3mC4485Ue0

Hakunna Matata

The capital of Texas has given me one more reason to fall head over heals inlove with it.
Austin has a theater called Bass Concert Theater Hall or whatever.
The place is exquisit, and its huge and i just feel so alive when I go experience a theater show.
Like this weekend I had the marvelous opportunity to attend The Lion King Musical.

To be perfectly Honest I'd hadn't felt like going. I am having to many issues to face to be locked in with silly trivialities is what I was thinking but I was wrong so wrong!!!

The musical was not a silly triviality it was an amazing escape from reality. Which currently is a reality i very much want to escape.
The show was amazing, brilliant performances, witty comical relief, costumes behond any I've ever seen and the whole night having a relaxing enviorment with a few friends was to die for (as Scar would say lol)

No but seriosly I'd forgotten how healing a girls night out can be.

And I am not talking about having those heart to heart sentimental babble which leave you exhuasted, or about sharing intimate secrets which leave you feeling vulnearble. I am talking about dressing up, and doing something purely fun, and accompaning it with liberating laughter and not caring about ruined lifes or stressful jobs. Simply enjoying a night were boys aren't messing with our heads, or bosses tearing our creativity away.

Girls nights are like Timon and Pumba say: Hakunna Matata!!! No WORRIES!!!

I've decided to do this Girls night out a frequent thing. !!!
(And since because recent experiences have proven catastrophic and I've recently sworn off all boys for this year. It fits perfectly with my plans.)

Yahoo for girls nights!!!

HAKUNNA MATATA!!!

2013

So it’s finally here!!! 2013!!!
I for one am completely relieved, we survived 2012 although I must confess all the excitement off upcoming doom was very thrilling, I had my bags all packed in cases Martians did want to take us away. Silly Silly Silly.  (Come on people Aliens? really?)
So since I have survived the 2012 Mayan apocalypses I have decided to make 2013 extraordinary.
Lots of new projects in mind, and tons of new ideas for craziness. How many I will actually get done before 2014 that is a whole other deal but ideas I have plenty.
So Lets start with the basic 2013 needs a change in my appearance. Why? Well it’s a well-known fact that Change excites the hell out of me. The more drastic and dramatic the change the more thrilled I get. So My whole outside must be the first to change. I am thinking haircut, and a thicker Blue Streak. Clothing must absolutely change. I am picturing a fiercer me. Less cute and cuddly. More Girl Power but still cute.
Obviously including Gym and Diet.
And a Henna Tattoo! Definitely right on my ...neck? ... Wrist?... will decide later.
Piercing? Still toying with the prospect. On one hand I've always wanted one. on the other hand I am completely terrified of needles. What to do?

Well anyways appearance is not all that needs change.

2013 needs to bring an intense inner change:

First of all: NO MORE CRYING. I am sick of being fragile so only reason we will cry from now on is DEATH and only if its someone really close.

Second of all.  No more texting Boys. If he didn't text its because HE IS NOT IN TO YOU. Actually I will be deleting all boys from my phone. If They want to text good if they don't GREAT!

Third change, consider applying to Theology school, might need further guidance from Priest. Terrified but somehow feels right. Although what in heaven’s name will I do with a degree in Theology if I do get one I have no idea. I might be suffering from a small mishap to my brain, a concussion maybe?

Fourth event for 2013, Definetly taking a second Silent Retreat this year.

Fifth Change Spend time with family and friends. Going out is ok now and then. Try not to neglect any of my friends. Especially the ones I have neglected this past 2012

Sixth change Stop being a coward and send mauscripts. So what if I get a rejection letter? I am sure I'll survive, and maybe perhaps even my pride could use a little rejection.

Seventh Change. Do not spend all time worrying about what AEC says. I am in the group doing my part no need to overstress, and overdo.

8th change for 2013, focus on ME. Do what is best for Me.
Including: Getting a new FREAKIN JOB

9th change is to  PRAY more. I can't truly be close to God if I don't give him all my attention, love and devotion.

And my final Tenth change; LEARN TO ACCEPT what is, and what isn't.

So Happy 2013 make it one Glorious Fenomenal Spicey NEW YEAR.