Another Birthday Post

So days before my 27th  birthday, I started thinking and mentally analyzing
every detail of my life.
I know BAD IDEA!!!
The more I looked the less I liked it.

It wasn't so much that my life was bad,
it had more to do with having strayed so far away from the plan!
I never wanted to be working sales,
I absolutely wouldn't have thought I'd be living in Houston, Texas.
and well million other details like that.

So I began to feel blue,
and well I began wallowing in my own pathetic self pity
It's always been easy for me to wallow. I do it excessively well.
For me It's like a seductive drug, that entices you to keep on
looking through the blackest of lenses.

But as many drugs, there is a moment where control is lost.
And one succumbs, jumping in to the abysmal, enchanted by the fall.
until all you see, is black, tarnished, pained, seductive evil desires of defeat.

I hate it when I fall,
and I hate my self for looking down the edge,
after all its one look that sends me spiraling down. I hate myself for being weak,

I've never made it to the bottom, I've been close that I know
but I never make it all the way down.
I think that the day I do
that day i shall surely perish

But for now, I am climbing out.
its harder than falling,
its tiresome and monotonous
its painful and bright.
there is hope at the top, which keeps me going.
though vines and doubts
thorns and broken plans grab hold of me.
Trying to stop, to blind me.

A voice inside me tells me  "Let go of the plan,
Things are easier  to climb with both hands free"

But I refuse!

And so I wonder where I'll be for birthday 28th?
Dead? Alive? Daydreaming?
Will the darkness have swallowed me whole?
Will the climb to the top be done? will it have been worth it?


 . 

Flowers

I got flowers on my birthday.

Two sets

One was from my dad which was totally expected!
My dad isn't the perfect dad, he  has done countless mistakes
and is probably the person who has made me cry most in my life.

Still Dad has always done one things right.
My Dad has always given me flowers on special occasions!!!
And they always make me smile like an idiot and well flowers are just perfect.

However, in this post i don't wish to discuss my dad's flowers, instead i'd like to focus the attention to the second set of flowers i received.

I got the second set when i got home after work.
I opened the door and there they were! the most beautiful flowers ever
the kind of arrangement that reminds you of the perfect spring day!

My heart rushed.
My mind went straight to you.
Yes you! (Hopefully you know who you are)
I imagined you going through the trouble of figuring out my address
and then picking the flowers (not that anyone still hand picks bouquets)
With no evidence at all my idiotic heart hoped the flowers came from you.

Silly I know!
my heart leaped and twirled as I set my bag down and rushed toward the flowers
I opened the card as a paper cut tried to stop me.
Perhaps my fingers tried to warn this stubborn heart

Obviously they weren't from you
Dear sweet grandma sent them.
Flowers are still flowers
and i was still thrilled to have two sets of flowers.
still my heart sank
my chest feeling heavier and colder.

My mind reasoned,
I haven't spoken to you in MONTHS!
I haven't the slightest clue where you are
...why would you know where i am.
I have no idea if you are safe, happy,
...suffering from a severe case of amnesia?

Stupid brain thinks its so smart my heart says as it sinks deeper.

See my brain thinks my heart is naive.
and yes it might seem that way
but really my heart knows things won't ever be as they were
back when we talked every single day. My heart know those days are long gone.

But did you have to disappear completely?
is there a sign you could send, just to know you are Okay?

Flowers perhaps?

Birthday Month

So my birthday was a few days ago and well several things happen that will require several posts.

Well maybe require isn't the word, after all this is a blog not an assignment.

What the hell its my blog I can say required is i damn please.

So scroll down, go to a different blog or just sit down and enjoy either way I am doing as I wish !!!

How Are You?

Isn't it funny how many times we ask the question "How are you?" the answer usually extremely concise, "Good" "Bad" and most of the time the answer is ignored, "How are you?"  silence as response.

Its just a formality really, a question to ask before the point is made, a meaningless tradition that makes us feel more human. No one gives an honest answer, perhaps cause we don't want to impose, or perhaps because the truth is that one word responses don't really ever cover  "How we are"

I suppose a long time ago, when carriages covered the streets and there wasn't and WiFi, perhaps then people cared about the answer. But, even then  would people have been honest?
I like to think they were no matter how long the answer was, or how complicated and ridiculous.

"How are you?" They'd say and I'd answer:

For now I am content!

 For many being content might not seem like huge accomplishment. Most people would rather be thrilled! or amazed! or at the very least Happy! And I would like to feel those things too, but I am different. For me emotions come like roller coasters. I am happy for silly things like finishing a book i loved, then i can feel lost and lonely simply by watching an empty seat.
I daydream a lot, and I have nightmares most nights. I have dark circles under my eyes as black as bruises but make up is a sort of magical tool at my disposal.
I am amazed at little pink flowers, and upset over my favorite character dying.
I laugh hard and loud over silly things and black humored jokes. And cry over things i can't control.
I hate it all and love it more!
I live intensely, which is

admirable? Not really

Its exhausting.

Hope makes me this way. I hope for things that aren't coming, and long for things that don't exist.
Life like this drives me slowly mad, I see bursts of colors all around, and darkening shadows envelope me.
Yes most of the time life spins faster than I can handle but not today,not now.

For now I am content.

Content with having dreams that haven't been pursued,
content with plans with no date
content with solitude and silence.

So I ask now,  How are you?  (Your honest answer)