Another Birthday Post

So days before my 27th  birthday, I started thinking and mentally analyzing
every detail of my life.
I know BAD IDEA!!!
The more I looked the less I liked it.

It wasn't so much that my life was bad,
it had more to do with having strayed so far away from the plan!
I never wanted to be working sales,
I absolutely wouldn't have thought I'd be living in Houston, Texas.
and well million other details like that.

So I began to feel blue,
and well I began wallowing in my own pathetic self pity
It's always been easy for me to wallow. I do it excessively well.
For me It's like a seductive drug, that entices you to keep on
looking through the blackest of lenses.

But as many drugs, there is a moment where control is lost.
And one succumbs, jumping in to the abysmal, enchanted by the fall.
until all you see, is black, tarnished, pained, seductive evil desires of defeat.

I hate it when I fall,
and I hate my self for looking down the edge,
after all its one look that sends me spiraling down. I hate myself for being weak,

I've never made it to the bottom, I've been close that I know
but I never make it all the way down.
I think that the day I do
that day i shall surely perish

But for now, I am climbing out.
its harder than falling,
its tiresome and monotonous
its painful and bright.
there is hope at the top, which keeps me going.
though vines and doubts
thorns and broken plans grab hold of me.
Trying to stop, to blind me.

A voice inside me tells me  "Let go of the plan,
Things are easier  to climb with both hands free"

But I refuse!

And so I wonder where I'll be for birthday 28th?
Dead? Alive? Daydreaming?
Will the darkness have swallowed me whole?
Will the climb to the top be done? will it have been worth it?


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