I like where my life is right now.
I am Happy. I am content. I have amazing plans for this year and well I am trying to enjoy things as they come.
But still on some days like today, I wonder what life would have been like if things in my life had turned out different.So here next is a story of what things could have been like:
So where to begin? What if my dad never cheated on my mom? I am starting this far back because I think its one of the things that affects me even today. Not in the oh I am still traumatizing kind of way, but in the way that its one of those things that changed my life completely.
So If my parents had never gotten their divorce, then I would never have gone to live to Guadalajara. And if I'd never gone I'd never would have met people in my life who became treasures in my life like my neighbors. If my parents never had gotten a divorce I'd probably would have graduated high school from the same school I started Kindergarten. I'd have the same friends and I'd most likely still be living in El Paso. I might even have a closer relationship with my dad's side of the family. And maybe even have more siblings. And I probably have less issues with relationships and I'd probably be so sick of living in the same place my whole entire life that I'd be searching for a study abroad program or something along those lines.
But what if all that divorce had stayed the same and my crucial decision was when I was graduating High school:
What If I'd had the guts to tell the guy I liked that I wanted to be more then friends? Well he probably would have thought I was kidding, and very nicely he would have pushed me back on to the Friend Zone where I belonged. Which by the way would have ruined the friendship, not that it matters now, since we aren't friends anymore but back then I thought we'd be friends for life. Funny how people never think things can end.
But what if by some sort of miracle he'd liked me? Then I guess we would have dated and maybe we'd had one of those relationships that people are jealous of. But then he'd most likely get bored of it. And like his many other girlfriends I'd be just one of the pack. And then the friendship would really be dead.
What if instead of choosing the creative writing degree I went with the crazy Felicity Dream of following the guy I was in love with to study psychology in some awesome Mexican City? Well I'd probably have continued to fantasize about him and I. As a stupid high school girl I had mayor fantasies. Those dreams where my best friend would realize that I was in love with him and he all of a sudden loved me too and puff we 'd have a happily ever after. Yeah then when nothing happened between him and me I'd see him go after girl after girl. But never me just as in High school. Then I'd be stuck living in a city where I knew no one, where I had a degree that although probably more lucrative then Creative writing would still not be what I wanted. So yeah definitely glad I didn't follow!
What if instead of moving to Austin with my family I'd have stayed in El Paso?
Interesting. I might have a cooler job. But would El Paso satisfy me? I mean not that I don't like it but now I can never imagine myself living back there. But lets pretend that El Paso was all I ever knew. Maybe I'd be content, but for how long could I go with out my family there? or how long could I manage living in constant routine? One of the reliefs of moving was not having to see that one guy. That one guy that went to my school and took most of my classes and would most likely work in the same places I'd want to work. That guy that I dated and realize he was a mistake right of the bat. That one guy you date just to get over the fact that the guy you care about is marrying someone else. That one guy who's tongue felt like a cold smoky fish in your mouth. The guys who almost ruined kissing for me. Yeah I definitely Never want to see that guy again.
What if in Austin I'd never joined the group? What If I'd finished my LSAT prep? What If I'd actually taken the LSAT? What if I'd never fallen for the Overly-Expressive Eyes? What if I'd never met the Teddy bear?
What if I'd never let my self fall? What if I'd given myself the chance to date someone else? What If I never worked at the Church? What if i'd never met my Pen Pal? What if I'd never stopped the slicing? What if I'd gone to more parties? What if I'd cared more about money than dreams? What if I actually dared to send my stories to be published? What if I for once didn't act like a stalker? What if I'd been more daring? What if I'd been a bit more mischievous? What if I...
Okay the game is starting to get harder. There are so many Fucking What If's!!!
I think this isn't healthy.
In conclusion there are many What if's I question about my life.
Hundreds of questions and paths my life could have taken.
Have I chosen all the correct ones?
No.
But at the very least I haven't chosen all the wrong ones.
I am walking, stumbling through life. An I learn something new with each twist and turn that I make.
I might not be living the life that I had envisioned for my self. but at least I feel happy. I feel like I am where I was suppose to be. Despite the regrets I might have, regardless of the people I should have ignored or the people I should have hanged on too. Despite it all, I am here I am Okay. I am confident in this life I've chosen for myself. And who knows I might still have yet time to make more out of it.
I am Happy. I am content. I have amazing plans for this year and well I am trying to enjoy things as they come.
But still on some days like today, I wonder what life would have been like if things in my life had turned out different.So here next is a story of what things could have been like:
So where to begin? What if my dad never cheated on my mom? I am starting this far back because I think its one of the things that affects me even today. Not in the oh I am still traumatizing kind of way, but in the way that its one of those things that changed my life completely.
So If my parents had never gotten their divorce, then I would never have gone to live to Guadalajara. And if I'd never gone I'd never would have met people in my life who became treasures in my life like my neighbors. If my parents never had gotten a divorce I'd probably would have graduated high school from the same school I started Kindergarten. I'd have the same friends and I'd most likely still be living in El Paso. I might even have a closer relationship with my dad's side of the family. And maybe even have more siblings. And I probably have less issues with relationships and I'd probably be so sick of living in the same place my whole entire life that I'd be searching for a study abroad program or something along those lines.
But what if all that divorce had stayed the same and my crucial decision was when I was graduating High school:
What If I'd had the guts to tell the guy I liked that I wanted to be more then friends? Well he probably would have thought I was kidding, and very nicely he would have pushed me back on to the Friend Zone where I belonged. Which by the way would have ruined the friendship, not that it matters now, since we aren't friends anymore but back then I thought we'd be friends for life. Funny how people never think things can end.
But what if by some sort of miracle he'd liked me? Then I guess we would have dated and maybe we'd had one of those relationships that people are jealous of. But then he'd most likely get bored of it. And like his many other girlfriends I'd be just one of the pack. And then the friendship would really be dead.
What if instead of choosing the creative writing degree I went with the crazy Felicity Dream of following the guy I was in love with to study psychology in some awesome Mexican City? Well I'd probably have continued to fantasize about him and I. As a stupid high school girl I had mayor fantasies. Those dreams where my best friend would realize that I was in love with him and he all of a sudden loved me too and puff we 'd have a happily ever after. Yeah then when nothing happened between him and me I'd see him go after girl after girl. But never me just as in High school. Then I'd be stuck living in a city where I knew no one, where I had a degree that although probably more lucrative then Creative writing would still not be what I wanted. So yeah definitely glad I didn't follow!
What if instead of moving to Austin with my family I'd have stayed in El Paso?
Interesting. I might have a cooler job. But would El Paso satisfy me? I mean not that I don't like it but now I can never imagine myself living back there. But lets pretend that El Paso was all I ever knew. Maybe I'd be content, but for how long could I go with out my family there? or how long could I manage living in constant routine? One of the reliefs of moving was not having to see that one guy. That one guy that went to my school and took most of my classes and would most likely work in the same places I'd want to work. That guy that I dated and realize he was a mistake right of the bat. That one guy you date just to get over the fact that the guy you care about is marrying someone else. That one guy who's tongue felt like a cold smoky fish in your mouth. The guys who almost ruined kissing for me. Yeah I definitely Never want to see that guy again.
What if in Austin I'd never joined the group? What If I'd finished my LSAT prep? What If I'd actually taken the LSAT? What if I'd never fallen for the Overly-Expressive Eyes? What if I'd never met the Teddy bear?
What if I'd never let my self fall? What if I'd given myself the chance to date someone else? What If I never worked at the Church? What if i'd never met my Pen Pal? What if I'd never stopped the slicing? What if I'd gone to more parties? What if I'd cared more about money than dreams? What if I actually dared to send my stories to be published? What if I for once didn't act like a stalker? What if I'd been more daring? What if I'd been a bit more mischievous? What if I...
Okay the game is starting to get harder. There are so many Fucking What If's!!!
I think this isn't healthy.
In conclusion there are many What if's I question about my life.
Hundreds of questions and paths my life could have taken.
Have I chosen all the correct ones?
No.
But at the very least I haven't chosen all the wrong ones.
I am walking, stumbling through life. An I learn something new with each twist and turn that I make.
I might not be living the life that I had envisioned for my self. but at least I feel happy. I feel like I am where I was suppose to be. Despite the regrets I might have, regardless of the people I should have ignored or the people I should have hanged on too. Despite it all, I am here I am Okay. I am confident in this life I've chosen for myself. And who knows I might still have yet time to make more out of it.
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